I like to plan. I like filling up the little planner with things to do and places to be in at certain times. I like moving and adjusting, and making sure everything fits into my day, with the corners tucked down neatly, and I get annoyed if people suddenly change on me at the last minute, 'cause then my pretty planner wouldn't accurately reflect my life on a given day anymore.
I think in long term too. I know what I want to happen after college, I know what I would want to have obtained by the time I'm twenty-five, and I know what I'm NOT going to be until I'm at least thirty. Granted, that might not seem all that long-term to some, but rest assured that by that time I would have extended my life plan somewhat.All these carefully laid-out preparations, all these are reflective of my irrepressible need to feel like I'm moving towards a certain direction. Like I'm going somewhere.
The danger of all this manifests itself in that miniscule thought of monumental implications, the one that sounds like Steinbeck mocking me into the self-doubt that threatens to lumps me among those of my generation, who continuously whine about not knowing what to do with their lives. Those who never could have been me. It refuses to go away. And even if I could compel it to, it asks me if I really would. It could be the next great epiphany I'm chasing away, instead of a doubt casting shadows on my dreams.
Being inundated with stupid phrases like ignore all obstacles external and within, nothing worth doing is easy directly contrasting with others such as don't ignore the signs, listen to yourself has that effect on you.Christ, did I have to plan so...well?For one, the niggling little thought insists, how the hell did I arrive at this plan?
It's not like the plan that traces the path to becoming a Broadway smash, where talent, training, and opportunity all come to work for you, with talent being your primary capital. Talent, god-given ability, points the way for you. How could you be anything else? But oh, in my plan.
There are many things I am capable of. I know what they are.
While this may be the case, I am not particularly exceptional at anything. With the exception of the fine sense of what abilities I inherently lack, that is. This forces me to face the unthinkable idea that perhaps the life-plan that I am dutifully preparing for, was arbitrarily assigned to me...by myself.
I'm not sure I can live with that knowledge. I like there to be motives and agendas behind the motives and agendas. I like to know what my own are. Carrrying out this whole plan without knowing why is embracing a mechanized existence. Which on the flip side won't last very long, as I will never survive.
The alternative would be to reevaluate everything, and redirect the entire flow. I know it's ridiculous to say this at twenty-two...but I've already done too much for this plan. I feel that it must go this way. The obvious solution is to find out why I'm doing all this. But no one will be able to answer that one, least of all me.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Monday, August 30, 2004
walangkatuturan lang
A - Age> ºº 22
B - Band listening to right now:> ºº hmm.. di sha band..si usher.
C - Career in future:> ºº account manager in ICT (charot!)
D - Drink or smoke:> ºº drink
E - Easiest person/s to talk to:> ºº lara, lyza
F - Favorite song/s at the moment:> ºº if i ain't got you
G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms:> ºº bears definitely, the red ones!
H - Have you ever had a girlfriend/boyfriend?> ºº yup
I - Instruments:> ºº piano, guitar, recorder
K - Kids:> ºº none so far. :) --> ditto -->double ditto!
L - Longest ride ever:> ºº by land vehicle: bataan..took us 8 fuckin hours!
M- My favorite Sport:> ºº to watch: bball to play:bball n swimming
N - Number of siblings:> ºº 2
P - Phobias> ºº flying cockroaches.
Q - Favourite Quote:> ºº "when did i go from turning the corner of possibility to being nothing at all?"
R - Reason to smile:> ºº miracles happening..
S - Song you sang last:> ºº she's out of my life (thats whats playin sa pc ng ops supervisor namin)
T - Time you woke up:> ºº 11am
U - Unknown fact about me:> ºº kung sasabihin ko, eh di hindi na unknown yun! --> > pilosopo ka, amie, pero tama ka. -o nga naman. hehe
V - Vegetable/fruit you hate:> ºº ampalaya!
W - Worst habit:> ºº overanalyzing, cracking my knuckles, burping (haha)
X - X-rays you've had:> ºº tons of chest x-rays this year itz sickening
Y - Yummy food/s:> ºº fruits, pizza, pasta
Z - Zodiac sign:> ºº aries!
B - Band listening to right now:> ºº hmm.. di sha band..si usher.
C - Career in future:> ºº account manager in ICT (charot!)
D - Drink or smoke:> ºº drink
E - Easiest person/s to talk to:> ºº lara, lyza
F - Favorite song/s at the moment:> ºº if i ain't got you
G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms:> ºº bears definitely, the red ones!
H - Have you ever had a girlfriend/boyfriend?> ºº yup
I - Instruments:> ºº piano, guitar, recorder
K - Kids:> ºº none so far. :) --> ditto -->double ditto!
L - Longest ride ever:> ºº by land vehicle: bataan..took us 8 fuckin hours!
M- My favorite Sport:> ºº to watch: bball to play:bball n swimming
N - Number of siblings:> ºº 2
P - Phobias> ºº flying cockroaches.
Q - Favourite Quote:> ºº "when did i go from turning the corner of possibility to being nothing at all?"
R - Reason to smile:> ºº miracles happening..
S - Song you sang last:> ºº she's out of my life (thats whats playin sa pc ng ops supervisor namin)
T - Time you woke up:> ºº 11am
U - Unknown fact about me:> ºº kung sasabihin ko, eh di hindi na unknown yun! --> > pilosopo ka, amie, pero tama ka. -o nga naman. hehe
V - Vegetable/fruit you hate:> ºº ampalaya!
W - Worst habit:> ºº overanalyzing, cracking my knuckles, burping (haha)
X - X-rays you've had:> ºº tons of chest x-rays this year itz sickening
Y - Yummy food/s:> ºº fruits, pizza, pasta
Z - Zodiac sign:> ºº aries!
Monday, August 02, 2004
Monday, May 17, 2004
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Saturday, May 08, 2004
Friday, May 07, 2004
hmm.. i went over to janelle's blog and saw this:
It doesn't feel like it's time to post yet. Oh well, not the first of things I will do against my better judgement.
Uh, ok. Patti texted me the other day about it, so I kind of waited for it to come out.
This guy we went to high school with is in a campaign commercial. FPJ's.
FPJ? FPJ? It is beyond my level of understanding why anyone with a modicum of education, who doesn't feel backed up into a corner, who isn't some kind of crazy experimental voter, would choose to vote, let alone to campaign, for FPJ. And this time, maybe it isn't my level of understanding at fault.
Why FPJ? Why would you put the future of a struggling nation in the hands of someone whose first foray into politics and government is a bid for the top post in the country? The way I see it, the nearly-eighty million people do not have time to get used to someone fumbling his way about presidency. The nation has backed itself into such a state that we can no longer afford to adjust to someone else's learning curve. You run for presidency because you know exactly what to do and how to do it. For the betterment of the nation, if it's even necessary for me to say that. You are not allowed to squat on your haunches post-elections, and think about just how you're going to carry out all those promises you made during the campaign perod, you're supposed to know how to bring it to at least relative fruition. Somehow, I don't see how FPJ's throwing fake punches with laughably fake sound effects prepared him for all that.
So. Mr. Dude-I-Went-To-High-School-With. Maybe you know better than I do. Granted, it may seem better to believe in someone, rather than spending all your time vilifying all the candidates instead of dedicating all their faculties to determining which is the best equipped for the presidency, and then ending up voting by default. That is to say, to voting for whomever you hate the least. I'm underage. I can't vote. But even if I could, I'm not sure who I would vote. I have to say that, it's the truth. Therefore I admire you for throwing your weight behind someone. What I don't understand is why it's FPJ, and in a medium that reminds me of an advertisment for feminine products.
Perhaps, then, that you see something I don't. Perhaps the research I hope you've done, and the company you keep, has taught you things that escape my knowledge, but not your comprehension.
I still hope your candidate doesn't win though.
part of what i've always wanted to say but never got around to doing so.. partly because these people are my friends. and once upon a time these were the same people i was with advocating FTM (First Time Mo Youth Movement for Fisrt Time Voters). makes me wonder though.. whatever happened to your convictions, guys?
It doesn't feel like it's time to post yet. Oh well, not the first of things I will do against my better judgement.
Uh, ok. Patti texted me the other day about it, so I kind of waited for it to come out.
This guy we went to high school with is in a campaign commercial. FPJ's.
FPJ? FPJ? It is beyond my level of understanding why anyone with a modicum of education, who doesn't feel backed up into a corner, who isn't some kind of crazy experimental voter, would choose to vote, let alone to campaign, for FPJ. And this time, maybe it isn't my level of understanding at fault.
Why FPJ? Why would you put the future of a struggling nation in the hands of someone whose first foray into politics and government is a bid for the top post in the country? The way I see it, the nearly-eighty million people do not have time to get used to someone fumbling his way about presidency. The nation has backed itself into such a state that we can no longer afford to adjust to someone else's learning curve. You run for presidency because you know exactly what to do and how to do it. For the betterment of the nation, if it's even necessary for me to say that. You are not allowed to squat on your haunches post-elections, and think about just how you're going to carry out all those promises you made during the campaign perod, you're supposed to know how to bring it to at least relative fruition. Somehow, I don't see how FPJ's throwing fake punches with laughably fake sound effects prepared him for all that.
So. Mr. Dude-I-Went-To-High-School-With. Maybe you know better than I do. Granted, it may seem better to believe in someone, rather than spending all your time vilifying all the candidates instead of dedicating all their faculties to determining which is the best equipped for the presidency, and then ending up voting by default. That is to say, to voting for whomever you hate the least. I'm underage. I can't vote. But even if I could, I'm not sure who I would vote. I have to say that, it's the truth. Therefore I admire you for throwing your weight behind someone. What I don't understand is why it's FPJ, and in a medium that reminds me of an advertisment for feminine products.
Perhaps, then, that you see something I don't. Perhaps the research I hope you've done, and the company you keep, has taught you things that escape my knowledge, but not your comprehension.
I still hope your candidate doesn't win though.
part of what i've always wanted to say but never got around to doing so.. partly because these people are my friends. and once upon a time these were the same people i was with advocating FTM (First Time Mo Youth Movement for Fisrt Time Voters). makes me wonder though.. whatever happened to your convictions, guys?
Thursday, May 06, 2004
Firsts.
First best friend:
paola
First car:
haha
First real kiss:
yuck, i was 9 ata that time. yuck.
First official break-up:
di ko maalala shet
First screen name:
"sub_zero"
First self purchased album:
mariah carey (daydream)
First funeral
...of immediate/close family: brother
First pets:
a poodle named toby
First piercing/tattoo:
ears
First credit card:
none as of the mo
First true love:
hmm..i'd rather not say..
First big trip without immediate family:
i was a HS freshie when i went on a swimming trip with my barkada
First musician you remember hearing in your
house:
the beatles
Lasts:
Last cigarette:
i don't smoke.
Last car ride:
this evening going to work
Last kiss:
di kiss eh.. how about snuffsnuff? hehe
Last good cry:
a few weeks ago.
Last library book checked out:
i dont remember..
Last beverage drank:
coke
Last food consumed:
oreos
Last crush:
di ko lam name.. yung next door neighbor from nextel.haha.
Last phone call:
paul
Last time showered:
this late afternoon
Last shoes worn:
di shoes eh.. thongs
Last cd played:
this ripped "i am sam" OST
Last item bought:
medicines
Last annoyance:
si vanessa
Last disappointment:
di ko getz yung operations namin =/
Last time wanting to die:
never happened
Last time scolded:
can't remember
Last shirt worn:
UCB
Last website visited:
my blog
First best friend:
paola
First car:
haha
First real kiss:
yuck, i was 9 ata that time. yuck.
First official break-up:
di ko maalala shet
First screen name:
"sub_zero"
First self purchased album:
mariah carey (daydream)
First funeral
...of immediate/close family: brother
First pets:
a poodle named toby
First piercing/tattoo:
ears
First credit card:
none as of the mo
First true love:
hmm..i'd rather not say..
First big trip without immediate family:
i was a HS freshie when i went on a swimming trip with my barkada
First musician you remember hearing in your
house:
the beatles
Lasts:
Last cigarette:
i don't smoke.
Last car ride:
this evening going to work
Last kiss:
di kiss eh.. how about snuffsnuff? hehe
Last good cry:
a few weeks ago.
Last library book checked out:
i dont remember..
Last beverage drank:
coke
Last food consumed:
oreos
Last crush:
di ko lam name.. yung next door neighbor from nextel.haha.
Last phone call:
paul
Last time showered:
this late afternoon
Last shoes worn:
di shoes eh.. thongs
Last cd played:
this ripped "i am sam" OST
Last item bought:
medicines
Last annoyance:
si vanessa
Last disappointment:
di ko getz yung operations namin =/
Last time wanting to die:
never happened
Last time scolded:
can't remember
Last shirt worn:
UCB
Last website visited:
my blog
