nampoota ang gusto ko lang mag-leave ng comment sa blog ni shiva.. akalain mo ba naman at pati sa comments page may discrimination dahil kelangan daw "livejournal" user din ako to be able to post a friggin' comment!!! ano ba naman yun?!

haay.. shet ang daming kaguluhan sa buhay..

alam ko di ko dapat hinirit yung hinirit ko sa text.. (kc ganto yun, may friend ako na nagsosori for not texting recently so sabi ko ok lang dahil di naman nya obligation na itext ako araw araw..di naman nya ako gf so di nya kelangan magreport sakin noh..) haay na-offend ata.. ewan ko.. di na nagreply eh..

tas yung friend kong isa kung pwede lang sa bahay ko nalang patirahin gagawin ko kc sobrang gusto ko sha tulungan pero wala akong magawa.. =/ so to the person who's causing her this pain and confusion and hatred.. FUCK A SHEEP, YOUR MOTHER OR YOURSELF! wala kang kwentang tao.

tas mga tao sa hcp lagi akong tinutukso kay jeorge. hello.

hay buti nalang bfast yung batch9 sa mcdo tomorrow after the shift.

haay.. ang liit ng mundo.. who would have thought that one of my coaches were friends (blockmates even) with my bestfriend's ex??!

la lang.. we were guzzling mocha fraps at Mocha Blends 1am kanina (dahil 2am pa yung shift) and then suddenly coach fran asked what course i graduated from.. tas yun pla econ din sha.. tas from beda.. tas ka-batch ba naman si 'He-who-shall-not-be-named" haha la lang.. nakakatuwa talaga ang pagkakataon..

anyway, yesterday was fun but super tiring.. right after the tuesday shift kse we went straight to makati to encash our checks tas lunch with the batch sa glorietta.. after nun punta pa kme ni deejay sa mega to buy kikay stuff.. went back to the office at around 4pm to take a bath and prep for the party.. btw, kasabay pa namin sa pila sa shower room si Norv! hehe..ang kupad pla maligo nun super!! tapos na kme ni kat sha di pa rin tapos!! hay! hehe.. nwy, we dint finish the party cuz nakakatamad and plus pagd na talaga kme nung time na yun dahil di pa kme natutulog at all.. so after the performance of our team we went to sleep sa 14th floor.. kakatawa nga kc kme lang ni deejay yung magkatabi dun.. pag gising ko si mike asa tabi na ni deej, tas si jeorge katabi ko.. tas katabi nya si butch (na btw, nka-sando ba naman eh ang lamig kaya!) na katabi si miles..haha.. muka kaming mga refugees dun.. haay.. o basta we got up at 1130 dahil akala namin 12 start ng shift tas yun pala 2 na daw dahil nga sa party.. nag-Mocha Blends nalang kme tas dun ko nalaman na bedan pla si coach fran.

hay o cge alis nko feel ko susumbong ako ni alien kay ms. j kse im using the internet, eh sipsep pa naman yung alien na yun..

Week-long migraine.

By the time I am able to collect myself sufficiently to make the real post this blog has been in dire want of, to provide myself of a situantioner, in order to help me understand...what, I don't even know, just understand... my dad needs his lappy back.

Besides, people who act as if they have perennial problems when they don't, have a great tendency to annoy me. And I am so afraid of becoming like that, although it seems likely, because I don't even know what the hell my problem is.

Or is not posting another excuse to ignore the crumbling of all my carefully built structures, and to keep myself from facing the fact that I seem to be on the shortest road to Shitville?Say that over and over. See if you can do it. Shortest road to Shitville. Shortest road to Shitville shortest road to shitville shirtest road to shotville shotest road to shirtville.

GODS, but I've become so BORING.

lam mo yung kulang sa tulog at gutom?? ...ako yun.

Echo
by Trapt

Close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time to waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my side
(close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by)
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
(asking why)
I think about your face, and how I fall into your eyes
The outline that I trace, around the one that I call mine
A time that called for space, unclear where you drew the line
I don't need to solve this case, and I don't need to look behind
Close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time to waste asking why (asking why)
I'll run away with you by my side (by my side)
I'll run away with you by my side (I'll run away with you)
(close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by)
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
(asking why)
Do I expect to change the past I hold inside
With all the words I say repeating over in my mind
Some things you can't erase, no matter how hard you try
An exit to escape is all there is left to find
Close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time to waste asking why (asking why)
I'll run away with you by my side (by my side)
I'll run away with you by my side (I'll run away with you)
(close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by)
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside
So I
Close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time to waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my side (I'll run away with you)
(close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by)
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside

so i'm back to the world of the graveyard shift.. itz tiring especially cuz we have mandatory o.t.'s (everyday we come to work an hour early, and saturdays are regular working days).. not only that but the pressure in the account is extremely high ppl tend to get burned out.. oh well, the way of the outbound universe..

i think i'm still adjusting my way here.. i mean, things weren't easy in the first week because hell, i wasn't selling anything.. and you know how scared i was because everybody makes at least 8 sales a day and i'm making NOTHING. for someone with my ego (don't worry it's something i don't flaunt too often anyway) that was quite a blow.. esteem runs low and then there's nothing else that matters but being at par with standards you try so hard to set for yourself.. it's borderline crazy..

so anyway, i wanna take this opportunity to thank the people who have been there boosting my morale when i almost gave up..

coach franla, for the extra patience when i'm not performing well and for the 'tiny' talk that made me realize that this should be important to me as it is for the whole subteam..

coach krissy, for monitoring me and for the motivation..

mommy polly, for teaching me to tuck away my pa-tweetum moments and be aggressive so as not to be eaten alive by americans. tapangan mo! magalit ka! lakasan mo pa boses mo! kaya mo yan!

coach fran, for the words of encouragement and for monitoring me when my coach is not around..

ms j, for correcting my mistakes as soon as i make them

and most especially, Batch 9 for rockin the world of Household Credit Protect.. galing talaga ng batch naten kaya elibs sila! hehe. thnks to my buddies, deejay, anj, john, butch, erica, miles, sheryll, jean, raymond, mike, & jeorge. =)

may lunch tayo sa pay day right?

mhmm..i think i'm starting to get the hang of life here..

i'm going the slow and sure road this time around..

Sigh.

It's difficult to be happy when you are falling drastically short of your own expectations.

haven't read something this good in a while.. (courtesy of anne's blog)

A LONG WALK TO FOREVER by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

They had grown up next door to each other, on the fringe of a city, near fields and woods and orchards, within sight of a lovely bell tower that belonged to a school for the blind.
Now they were twenty, had not seen each other for nearly a year. There had always been playful, comfortable warmth between them, but never any talk of love.

His name was Newt. Her name was Catherine. In the early afternoon, Newt knocked on Catherine's front door.

Catherine came to the door. She was carrying a fat, glossy magazine she had been reading. The magazine was devoted entirely to brides. "Newt!" she said. She was surprised to see him.

"Could you come for a walk?" he said. He was a shy person, even with Catherine. He covered his shyness by speakingabsently, as though what really concerned him were far away -- as though he were a secret agent pausing briefly on a mission between beautiful, distant, and sinister points. This manner of speaking had always been Newt's style, even in matters thatconcerned him desperately.

"A walk?" said Catherine.

"One foot in front of the other," said Newt, "through leaves, over bridges --"

"I had no idea you were in town," she said.

"Just this minute, I got in," he said.

"Still in the Army, I see," she said.

"Seven more months to go," he said. He was a private first class in the Artillery. His uniform was rumpled. His shoes weredusty. He needed a shave. He held his hand out for the magazine. "Let's see the pretty book," he said.

She gave it to him. "I'm getting married, Newt," she said.

"I know," he said. "Let's go for a walk."

"I'm awfully busy, Newt," she said. "The wedding is only a week away."

"If we go for a walk," he said, "it will make you rosy. It will make you a rosy bride." He turned the pages of the magazine. "Arosy bride like her -- like her -- like her," he said, showing her rosy brides.

Catherine turned rosy, thinking about rosy brides.

"That will be my present to Henry Stewart Chasens," said Newt. "By taking you for a walk, I'll be giving him a rosy bride."

"You know his name?" said Catherine.

"Mother wrote," he said. "From Pittsburgh?"

"Yes," she said. "You'd like him."

"Maybe," he said.

"Can -- can you come to the wedding, Newt?" she said.

"That I doubt," he said.

"Your furlough isn't for long enough?" she said.

"Furlough?" said Newt. He was studying a two-page ad for flat silver. "I'm not on furlough," he said.

"Oh?" she said.

"I'm what they call A.W.O.L.," said Newt.

"Oh, Newt! You're not!" she said.

"Sure I am," he said, still looking at the magazine.

"Why, Newt?" she said.

"I had to find out what your silver pattern is," he said. He read names of silver patterns from
the magazine. "Albernarle?Heather?" he said. "Legend? Rambler Rose?" He looked up, smiled.

"I plan to give you and your husband a spoon," he said.

"Newt, Newt -- tell me really," she said.

"I want to go for a walk," he said.

She wrung her hands in sisterly anguish. "Oh, Newt -- you're fooling me about being A.W.O.L.," she said.

Newt imitated a police siren softly, raised his eyebrows.

"Where -- where from?" she said.

"Fort Bragg," he said.

"North Carolina?" she said.

"That's right," he said. "Near Fayetteville -- where Scarlett O'Hara went to school."

"How did you get here, Newt?" she said.

He raised his thumb, jerked it in a hitchhike gesture. "Two days," he said.

"Does your mother know?" she said.

"I didn't come to see my mother," he told her.

"Who did you come to see?" she said.

"You," he said.

"Why me?" she said.

"Because I love you," he said. "Now can we take a walk?" he said. "One foot in front of the other -- through leaves, overbridges --"

They were taking the walk now, were in a woods with a brown-leaf floor.

Catherine was angry and rattled, close to tears. "Newt," she said, "this is absolutely crazy."

"How so?" he said.

"What a crazy time to tell me you love me," she said. "You never talked that way before." She
stopped walking.

"Let's keep walking," he said.

"No," she said. "So far, no farther. I shouldn't have come with you at all, " she said.

"You did," he said.

"To get you out of the house," she said. "If somebody walked in and heard you talking to me that
way, a week before thewedding --"

"What would they think?" he said.

"They'd think you were crazy," she said."

"Why?" he said.

Catherine took a deep breath, made a speech. "Let me say that I'm deeply honored by this crazy thing you've done," she said."I can't believe you're really A.W.O.L., but maybe you are. I can't believe you really love me, but maybe you do. But --"

"I do," said Newt.

"Well, I'm deeply honored," said Catherine, "and I'm very fond of you as a friend, Newt, extremely fond -- but it's just too late."She took a step away from him. "You've never even kissed me," she said, and she protected herself with her hands. "I don'tmean you should do it now. I just mean this is all so unexpected. I haven't got the remotest idea of how to respond."

"Just walk some more," he said. "Have a nice time."

They started walking again.

"How did you expect me to react?" she said.

"How would I know what to expect?" he said. "I've never done anything like this before."

"Did you think I would throw myself into your arms?" she said.

"Maybe," he said.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you," she said.

"I'm disappointed," he said. "I wasn't counting on it. This is very nice, just walking."

Catherine stopped again. "You know what happens next?" she said.

"Nope," he said.

"We shake hands," she said. "We shake hands and part friends," she said. "That's what happens
next."

Newt nodded. "All right," he said. "Remember me from time to time. Remember how much I loved you."

Involuntarily, Catherine burst into tears. She turned her back to Newt, looked into the infinite colonnade of the woods.

"What does that mean?" said Newt.

"Rage!" said Catherine. She clenched her hands. "You've no right --"

"I had to find out," he said.

"If I'd loved you," he said. "I would have let you know before now."

"You would?" he said.

"Yes," she said. She faced him, looked up at him, her face quite red. "You would have known," she said.

"How?" he said.

"You would have seen it," she said. "Women aren't very clever at hiding it."
Newt looked closely at Catherine's face now. To her consternation, she realized that what she had said was true, that a womancouldn't hide love.

Newt was seeing love now.

And he did what he had to do. He kissed her.

"You're hell to get along with!" she said when Newt let her go.

"I am?" said Newt.

"You shouldn't have done that," she said.

"You didn't like it?" he said.

"What did you expect," she said, "wild, abandoned passion?"

"I keep telling you," he said. "I never know what's going to happen next."

"We say goodbye," she said.

He frowned slighlty. "All right," he said.

She made another sppech. "I'm not sorry we kissed," she said. "That was sweet. We should have kissed, we've been so close."I'll always remember you, Newt, and good luck."

"You too," he said.

"Thank you, Newt," she said.

"Thirty days," he said.

"What?" she said.

"Thirty days in the stockade," he said. "That's what one kiss will cost me."

"I -- I'm sorry," she said, "but I didn't ask you to go A.W.O.L."

"I know," he said.

"You certainly don't deserve any hero's reward for doing something as foolish as that," she said.

"Must be nice to be a hero," said Newt. "Is Henry Stewart Chasens a hero?"

"He might be, if he got the chance," said Catherine. She noted uneasily that they had begun to walk again. The farewell hadbeen forgotten.

"You really love him?" he said.

"Certainly I love him!" she said hotly. "I wouldn't marry him if I didn't love him!"

"What's good about him?" said Newt.

"Honestly!" she cried, stopping again. "Do you have any idea how offensive you're being? Many, many, many things are goodabout Henry! Yes," she said, "and many, many, many things are probably bad too. But that isn't any of your business. I loveHenry, and I don't have to argue his merits with you!"

"Sorry," said Newt.

"Honestly!" said Catherine.

Newt kissed her again. He kissed her again because she wanted him to.

They were now in a large orchard.

"How did we got so far from home, Newt?" said Catherine.

"One foot in front of the other -- through leaves, over bridges," said Newt.

"They add up -- these steps," she said.

Bells rang in the tower of the school for the blind nearby.

"School for the blind," said Newt.

"School for the blind," said Catherine. She shook her head in drowsy wonder. "I've got to go back now," she said.

"Say goodbye," said Newt.

"Every time I do, "said Catherine, "I seem to get kissed."

Newt sat down on the close-cropped grass under an apple tree. "Sit down," he said.

"No," she said.

"I won't touch you," he said.

"I don't believe you," she said.

She sat down under another tree, twenty feet away from him. She closed her eyes.

"Dream of Henry Stewart Chasens," he said.

"What?" she said.

"Dream of your wonderful husband-to-be," he said.

"All right, I will," she said. She closed her eyes tighter, caught glimpses of her husband-to-be.

Newt yawned.

The bees were humming in the trees, and Catherine almost fell asleep. When she opened her
eyes she saw that Newt really wasasleep.

He began to snore softly.

Catherine let Newt sleep for an hour, and while he slept she adore him with all her heart.

The shadows of the apple tree grew to the west. The bells in the tower of the school for the blind
rang again.

"Chik-a dee-dee-dee," went a chickadee.

Somewhere far away, an automobile starter nagged and failed, nagged and failed, fell still.

Catherine came out from under her tree and knelt by Newt.

"Newt?" she said.

"Hmm?" he said. He opened his eyes.

"Late," she said.

"Hello, Catherine," he said.

"Hello, Newt," she said.

"I love you," he said.

"I know," she said.

"Too late," he said.

"Too late," she said.

He stood, stretched groaningly. "A very nice walk," he said.

"I thought so," she said.

"Part company here?" he said.

"Where will you go?" she said.

"Hitch into town, turn myself in," he said.

"Good luck," she said.

"You, too," he said. "Marry me, Catherine?"

"No," she said.

He smiled, stared at her hard for a moment, then walked away quickly.

Catherine watched him grow smaller in the long perspective of shadows and trees, knew that if
he stopped and turned now, ifhe called to her, she would run to him. She would have no choice.

Newt did stop. He did turn. He did call. "Catherine," he called.

She ran to him, put her arms around him, could not speak.

I like to plan. I like filling up the little planner with things to do and places to be in at certain times. I like moving and adjusting, and making sure everything fits into my day, with the corners tucked down neatly, and I get annoyed if people suddenly change on me at the last minute, 'cause then my pretty planner wouldn't accurately reflect my life on a given day anymore.

I think in long term too. I know what I want to happen after college, I know what I would want to have obtained by the time I'm twenty-five, and I know what I'm NOT going to be until I'm at least thirty. Granted, that might not seem all that long-term to some, but rest assured that by that time I would have extended my life plan somewhat.All these carefully laid-out preparations, all these are reflective of my irrepressible need to feel like I'm moving towards a certain direction. Like I'm going somewhere.

The danger of all this manifests itself in that miniscule thought of monumental implications, the one that sounds like Steinbeck mocking me into the self-doubt that threatens to lumps me among those of my generation, who continuously whine about not knowing what to do with their lives. Those who never could have been me. It refuses to go away. And even if I could compel it to, it asks me if I really would. It could be the next great epiphany I'm chasing away, instead of a doubt casting shadows on my dreams.

Being inundated with stupid phrases like ignore all obstacles external and within, nothing worth doing is easy directly contrasting with others such as don't ignore the signs, listen to yourself has that effect on you.Christ, did I have to plan so...well?For one, the niggling little thought insists, how the hell did I arrive at this plan?

It's not like the plan that traces the path to becoming a Broadway smash, where talent, training, and opportunity all come to work for you, with talent being your primary capital. Talent, god-given ability, points the way for you. How could you be anything else? But oh, in my plan.

There are many things I am capable of. I know what they are.

While this may be the case, I am not particularly exceptional at anything. With the exception of the fine sense of what abilities I inherently lack, that is. This forces me to face the unthinkable idea that perhaps the life-plan that I am dutifully preparing for, was arbitrarily assigned to me...by myself.

I'm not sure I can live with that knowledge. I like there to be motives and agendas behind the motives and agendas. I like to know what my own are. Carrrying out this whole plan without knowing why is embracing a mechanized existence. Which on the flip side won't last very long, as I will never survive.

The alternative would be to reevaluate everything, and redirect the entire flow. I know it's ridiculous to say this at twenty-two...but I've already done too much for this plan. I feel that it must go this way. The obvious solution is to find out why I'm doing all this. But no one will be able to answer that one, least of all me.

walangkatuturan lang

A - Age> ºº 22

B - Band listening to right now:> ºº hmm.. di sha band..si usher.

C - Career in future:> ºº account manager in ICT (charot!)

D - Drink or smoke:> ºº drink

E - Easiest person/s to talk to:> ºº lara, lyza

F - Favorite song/s at the moment:> ºº if i ain't got you

G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms:> ºº bears definitely, the red ones!

H - Have you ever had a girlfriend/boyfriend?> ºº yup

I - Instruments:> ºº piano, guitar, recorder

K - Kids:> ºº none so far. :) --> ditto -->double ditto!

L - Longest ride ever:> ºº by land vehicle: bataan..took us 8 fuckin hours!

M- My favorite Sport:> ºº to watch: bball to play:bball n swimming

N - Number of siblings:> ºº 2

P - Phobias> ºº flying cockroaches.

Q - Favourite Quote:> ºº "when did i go from turning the corner of possibility to being nothing at all?"

R - Reason to smile:> ºº miracles happening..

S - Song you sang last:> ºº she's out of my life (thats whats playin sa pc ng ops supervisor namin)

T - Time you woke up:> ºº 11am

U - Unknown fact about me:> ºº kung sasabihin ko, eh di hindi na unknown yun! --> > pilosopo ka, amie, pero tama ka. -o nga naman. hehe

V - Vegetable/fruit you hate:> ºº ampalaya!

W - Worst habit:> ºº overanalyzing, cracking my knuckles, burping (haha)

X - X-rays you've had:> ºº tons of chest x-rays this year itz sickening

Y - Yummy food/s:> ºº fruits, pizza, pasta

Z - Zodiac sign:> ºº aries!