earl, pao and me at Market!Market!

Kaydee asked me earlier if I was happy.

I said yes.

It’s been tiring hopping from one relationship to another and I’ve been accustomed to having my heart pried open then just shattered into a million pieces over and over again.

Today however, that feeling of being so alive is back. I guess it’s because I am realizing that I it’s such a good feeling when what you give is reciprocated.. hehe labo ba??

Babbling again..

This rarely happens.

Kayds, I am happy.

I truly am. And it scares the hell out of me.

[mel, jidda, keiel and kaydee]

The results of your analysis say:

You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry.
You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones.
You are affectionate, passionate, expressive, and future-oriented.
You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody!
You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

3:49 AM 12/15/2005
the mysterious thing about my new lay-out is that i cannot fix the html for the date of post and the comments field properly.

anyways, i am happy today. first off, it is payday later which means i could proceed with my xmas shopping already. yey!

i was actually doing my xmas list yesterday and was kind of overwhelmed at how long the list was.. hehe.

i'll be back.

i just have to take my lunch.

oh. lunch is at 4.30 pa pala.. meanwhile, miss jai sent me the link to this online paperdoll making.. check it out http://elouai.com/doll-makers/new-dollmaker.php
aliw sha. heehee.

Sungit gave me a revel bar from Starbucks a while ago. hehe touch naman ako. =) bait bait nga nun lately eh.. di nako inaaway.

7:04 AM 12/15/2005
MY GOD. i already checked my salary+13th month pay..

HAPPY!!!!

midnight tiangge here i come!!!!

SEVEN THINGS IN YOUR ROOM:
1.Tv
2.cd player
3.uh.. bed.
4.coffee table (make-shift dining area ko.hehe)
5.hamper
6.dresser
7.accent chair full of bags and dirty clothes

TOP SEVEN THINGS YOU SAY MOST:
1.oh man
2.pakshet
3.eh bakit?
4.hindi nga?!
5.break guys!!!
6.BENTA TAYO!!
7.anu ba???

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE A DAY WITHOUT:
1.FOOD
2.music
3.at least 1 movie a day
4.seeing my family
5.sleeping at least 4 hours
6.cellphone
7.praying

SEVEN OTHER THINGS:
Do You:
1. Do you smoke? :not anymore
2. Send short messages:loads!
3.Read the newspaper? :i make it a point to.
4.Pray? :always.
5.Study? :not really fulll blown acad reviews, but i read. i really really try to.
6.like window shopping? : mostly when payday is coming up
7.Wish on stars? :i used to..


Have you ever:
1.gone for a date? :yeah.
2.travel alone? :no. i won't survive.
3.swam in the dark? :uhm..night swimming..?
4. gone to a party?:lots of parties
5.Ran away from home? :yup i tried to..when i reached the other block, i changed my mind and went home instead. (i was 7 then)
6.felt depressed? :yeah.. on particular instances
7.felt lonely? :not lately.

SEVEN THINGS IN LAST 24 HOURS:have you...
1. wondered? :i wonder ALL THE TIME.haha.
2.Sang? :yup!! a while ago i was just singing with my brother..
3.Been kissed? :aaah.. yeah..
4.Felt stupid? :sometimes
5.Talked to an ex? :not i the last 2 weeks, i think.
6.Missed someone? :unfortunately i do miss someone right now.
7.Hugged someone? :YUP!!

just a Christmas-sy change on the skin..

i think it's cute though. i just might keep it.

on hiatus..

You know what? Fuck it. I am washing my hands of this. What else is there to be done? It's only fitting that this is all hitting me at a time when I am the most cynical of men, love, and relationships that I have ever been. So everyone can take their perfect relationships and stay far, far away from me. I'm sorry that I am so bitter and please don't take it personally any of you, because I do hate it when single people give non-single people shit for not being single, but lately anything involving romance that comes near me has just made my life shittier.
I am SO out of the dating game it's not even funny. And I like it that way. I will no longer fuck around with guys and make it such a priority in my life that other things fall by the wayside, like my health, my sanity, my emotional well-being, and my friends. Sorry. I have much better things to do with my life.
[EDIT- 11:33pm] Rejection-of-Melodramatic-Blog Moment having passed... I really just need to lay down and cry. I need to keep reminding myself that I am not discouraged about life, and that I am not convinced that many people just continue on with their lives while I stand back and watch with a bleeding heart. This has nothing to do with an actual guy in my life right now... this has to do with my life, period, and all of its patterns, and how I keep seeing everything as a test of my own strength. I keep getting kicked around and the minute it seems like I'm making peace with something I encounter another manifestation of my emotional weakness. But why see it as weakness? I'm not sure. But while I figure it out, my heart is stretched thinner and thinner. And I guess it has to be okay.

I’ve forgotten your poetry.
You were silliness, and jellybeans.
You were my first taste of passion –
Heated, unbridled, amateur passion.
You were – "babe," "toots,"
You were soul.
You were The Eagles, Hotel California,
You were my first notes.
You were secret pain, stolen kisses,
stolen, secret heart.
You were cold air, icy all the time,
ice on my skin but sticky heat between our bodies
when you held me so tightly –
so.
You were deep reds, bold colors,
you were the sound of your watch clicking onto my desk as you took it off so you
could lay beside me where I pretend-slept just so I could feel your body feed mine –
feed my little, secret heart.
You were crazy sheepskin rugs that wore
the footprints of every
battle, every
tear, every
time you stuck your
pins so deeply into me that
I bled onto you.
You were your own hot, naïve tears,
wet on my cheek, burned into my
pink heart.
You were innocent desperation,
I was impossible to navigate
we lost each other in all of our
missed throws and
bad catches
until it was split. infinite.
You were undefinable anger that I
could not harness, you were poisoned
morsels I would not digest.
You were forgotten. An accidental
harbinger of strength.
You were my deepest words.
You are my poetry.
-k. chan

------------------------------

it's weird that even up to now KC and i still share this sort of cosmic connection. she's in new jersey. it's been more than a year since we had last talked and a few days days ago i stumble upon her LJ and begin to "rediscover" everything that had transpired from the last time we had communication.. the parallel experiences are still there.

it gives you comfort knowing you really aren't alone.