last hurrah (re-post from now defunct livejournal space)

(re-posted from my livejournal, May 29, 2008)

It still hasn't sink in and yet I have 2 days(shifts) left before I finally say goodbye to everything I've been doing and I have known for the past 3 years. It has not been an easy choice. I will be leaving some of the greatest people I have met in this lifetime and knowing we would not be together (in that daily-ness/routine perspective) breaks my heart. I do hope we bump into each other from time to time to say hi and catch up on our lives.

I just feel like how I have felt 3 months ago, that my time here has expired and there's no other way but to move on. I mean, I am grateful for all the opportunities given to me but somehow all the recognition and added responsibility were not enough to compensate for the emptiness I felt inside. I was like a robot, my passion was gone and I couldn't find the motivation to work like I used to --with a clear purpose, defined goals.

I don't know if this was the result of the routine I have been doing (a.k.a. my job) for the past 3 years or so but I guess other factors played their parts too.

For the last 3 months I have felt like I was left hanging. Not the greatest feeling in the world, believe me. And I took beatings that I felt I did not deserve, well, not all of it at least. I think I have lost friendships in the process as well. People I've treated no less than family.

I just can't work in an environment where integrity is tainted by baseless decisions.

I am not perfect but I am not daft.

I am more aware not than you might think.

It's sad that I'm leaving like this. I've always stalled the decision to go whenever I had the urge thinking I can sleep on the thought and have it go away the next day. But then It was THAT one day when everything made sense to me and I knew there was no point in staying.
For the first time in my entire stay with Citi I did not feel proud to be a part of Operations Leadership.

I used to think that among all the people I have come across with she would be the un-shakeable. In the end though, she chose to sell out and and join the madness. To say that I am disappointed is an understatement. I am appalled, more than appalled. I'm leaving because I cannot live with myself if I looked back at my life and knew that for one second I condoned what was happening around me knowing it's not fair.