It's back

I should've written yesterday but was too numb to do so.

I came home Friday with bad news. I was told my physical exam results were back and that I can't report for work unless I can present a fit to work notice. It's my x-ray. Apparently, they saw the same thing they saw 5 years ago. It was -possible Koch's infection of unknown origin- that's what I read from the results.

My dad said my uncle had the same findings 20 years ago, and when he had himself checked a couple months back because he had recurring coughs, the same thing appeared on his x-ray. He was informed that those were just scars from his previous case and that he was going to be fine. (I refuse to call it "infection" as it makes me nervous).

And so from when I got home last Friday, I couldn't take my mind off it, try as I may. I found it impossible to sleep. The last time my xray looked like this, I was asked to resign from work and rest for 6 months. In the past I was able to haggle 3 months rest on the condition that I take my medications with no fail.

I can't be asked to resign from my job. I can't afford it. There's just too many bills to pay and I have people depending on me. And what happens to me when I lose my job? I'll probably lose someone too, eventually.

So these things have kept me awake for the last 2 nights.

I'm not sure what to do or if there's anything that I can do to stop things from falling apart, really.

I'll visit the specialist tomorrow. Not knowing what's gonna happen sure scares the hell out of me but I know it's out of my hands now.

Like any other defining moment in my life, I'm choosing to leave it up to Him. He hasn't let me down anyway.

_______________________

Keep breathing
I said that I'll always be there
Now I mean it more than before
there's a future worth fighting for

Don't be scared
I know how you must be feeling
No one to help you carry the pain
I'm coming to save the day