on hiatus..

You know what? Fuck it. I am washing my hands of this. What else is there to be done? It's only fitting that this is all hitting me at a time when I am the most cynical of men, love, and relationships that I have ever been. So everyone can take their perfect relationships and stay far, far away from me. I'm sorry that I am so bitter and please don't take it personally any of you, because I do hate it when single people give non-single people shit for not being single, but lately anything involving romance that comes near me has just made my life shittier.
I am SO out of the dating game it's not even funny. And I like it that way. I will no longer fuck around with guys and make it such a priority in my life that other things fall by the wayside, like my health, my sanity, my emotional well-being, and my friends. Sorry. I have much better things to do with my life.
[EDIT- 11:33pm] Rejection-of-Melodramatic-Blog Moment having passed... I really just need to lay down and cry. I need to keep reminding myself that I am not discouraged about life, and that I am not convinced that many people just continue on with their lives while I stand back and watch with a bleeding heart. This has nothing to do with an actual guy in my life right now... this has to do with my life, period, and all of its patterns, and how I keep seeing everything as a test of my own strength. I keep getting kicked around and the minute it seems like I'm making peace with something I encounter another manifestation of my emotional weakness. But why see it as weakness? I'm not sure. But while I figure it out, my heart is stretched thinner and thinner. And I guess it has to be okay.

I’ve forgotten your poetry.
You were silliness, and jellybeans.
You were my first taste of passion –
Heated, unbridled, amateur passion.
You were – "babe," "toots,"
You were soul.
You were The Eagles, Hotel California,
You were my first notes.
You were secret pain, stolen kisses,
stolen, secret heart.
You were cold air, icy all the time,
ice on my skin but sticky heat between our bodies
when you held me so tightly –
so.
You were deep reds, bold colors,
you were the sound of your watch clicking onto my desk as you took it off so you
could lay beside me where I pretend-slept just so I could feel your body feed mine –
feed my little, secret heart.
You were crazy sheepskin rugs that wore
the footprints of every
battle, every
tear, every
time you stuck your
pins so deeply into me that
I bled onto you.
You were your own hot, naïve tears,
wet on my cheek, burned into my
pink heart.
You were innocent desperation,
I was impossible to navigate
we lost each other in all of our
missed throws and
bad catches
until it was split. infinite.
You were undefinable anger that I
could not harness, you were poisoned
morsels I would not digest.
You were forgotten. An accidental
harbinger of strength.
You were my deepest words.
You are my poetry.
-k. chan

------------------------------

it's weird that even up to now KC and i still share this sort of cosmic connection. she's in new jersey. it's been more than a year since we had last talked and a few days days ago i stumble upon her LJ and begin to "rediscover" everything that had transpired from the last time we had communication.. the parallel experiences are still there.

it gives you comfort knowing you really aren't alone.

it never ends does it? all the feeling of resentment, anger, pain.. they go away for a while but when they come back it's even more fatal.. it's a spiral down into limbo again and you're left broken when you thought you couldn't be any more broken than you already are.

A- Age of your first kiss: 6
B- Band you are listening to right now: greenday (wake me up when september ends)
C- Crush: used to be dx. heehee. now im really crushing on concon. =)
D- Dad's name: romeo
E- Easiest person to talk to: lara/deejay/chabz/earl
F- Favorite ice cream: pistaschio, cokkies 'n cream, chocolate fudge brownies
G- Gummy worms or Gummy bears?: gummi bears..the red ones!
H- Hometown: Manila, Philippines
I- Instruments: piano, nowadays guitar mostly. Everything else is just a dabble.
J- Junior High: i skipped 7th grade and landed in Highschool.
K- Kids: Oh I like kids a lot.. can't wait to have my own.
L- Longest car ride: around 10-12 hours going to pagudpod
M- Mom's name: vilma
N- Nicknames: Keiel, KL, kiela, K, tin, tinny, tintin, nini, panga, guapa
O- One wish: peace and emotional strength.
P- Phobia: getting a "bangungot" in the sleeping quarters and never waking up..
Q- Quote: "kung dalawa na kayo tapos hindi ka padin happy, mag-isa ka nalang."
R- Reasons to smile: concon. dx. my babies moshy and coy. upcoming leave and payday. hehe. happiness.
S- Sexual position you like: uhm do i have to post this in public??
T- Time you woke up today: 4pm.. then 4.30.. 5.15.. then 6.00.. 6.30.. then finally 7.30pm
U- Unknown fact about me: lemme think..
V- Vegetables you hate: ampalaya, okra
W- Worst luck with: lovelife
X- X-rays you've had: chest
Y- Years since you've been to church: the last time was back in July 3, i think.
Z- Zodiac sign: Aries.

Last night I realized just who is truly important to me, not for anyone else's purposes but mine, and how far I put an instinctual amount of trust in someone.
I WANT to see good in people and I WANT to believe in their sincerity and humanity. There is a little bit of human in all of us, no matter how shrouded we are by evils and distractions. And I guess that is who I am... the girl who looks for that. It's beauty in its simplicity and in its weakness and in its plain, unavoidable truth.
I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't care to figure it out right now. I am reckless, I don't know what that means past its most basic definition. I'm choosing to trust but only to a point. It is important to no one but me what I've decided to do. I thrive on human connection and on incredulous moments. And I have them like no other.

I'm still taking care of myself. I came to some revelations today that have left me feeling hopeful and secure, despite the internal wounds that are still smarting. I may be hurt but I've been hurt before and each time I come out better and stronger. I have a slowly shaping idea of who I want to be, and I know what steps I need to take to get there.

I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that a lot of people just plain suck at being friends... and that no matter how much two people try, if their idea of and priorities in friendship just aren't the same, then friendship between them is just impossible. Sad, but... that's life. I'll get on with mine, and with the knowledge that I could have been a good friend to them. Too bad.

As much ground as I've gained in the past few months, years... a part of me is still very much struggling with personal contentment. I'm seeing now more than ever that I am a perfectionist, and the stereotype of my various disorders... they just manifest themselves differently in me.

People are just so predictable.

Survey
Name: Keiel
Birthday: 03/27/82
Birthplace: manila, philippines
Current Location: ortigas, pasig
Eye Color: dark brown
Hair Color: dark brown/black
Height: 5'2"
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
Your Heritage: filipino. asian
The Shoes You Wore Today: red puma sneakers
Your Weakness: losing people. loving. letting go.
Your Fears: never being better
Your Perfect Pizza: mozerella
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: but a laptop. resign. find a day job that pays as much. visit guimaras.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: buzz! haha..kidding. "wsup?"
Thoughts First Waking Up: what time is it?
Your Best Physical Feature: hair.. nose.. i dunno!
Your Bedtime: between 10am-2pm
Your Most Missed Memory: growing up with my grandparents
Pepsi or Coke: coke occasionally
MacDonalds or Burger King: mcdo
Single or Group Dates: Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: nestea
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: coffee. i try to avoid that now though
Do you Smoke: nope
Do you Swear: yeah...
Do you Sing: YES
Do you Shower Daily: yep..sometimes more than once daily. depends on the season
Have you Been in Love: yeah
Do you want to go to College: already been
Do you want to get Married: Yes
Do you believe in yourself: mostly yeah
Do you get Motion Sickness: yeah especially trips to bagiuo..not because of THAT ok..
Do you think you are Attractive: sometimes haha
Are you a Health Freak: not really.. 'cept im conscious about ppl smoking around me
Do you get along with your Parents: yes. im a good girl
Do you like Thunderstorms: no they're scary
Do you play an Instrument: yep.. nowadays guitar
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes
In the past month have you Smoked: no
In the past month have you been on Drugs: No
In the past month have you gone on a Date: no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: hehe im there almost daily
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Never in my life have I eaten an entire box of Oreos.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: no
In the past month have you been on Stage: No
In the past month have you been Dumped: dumped? me?!
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Uh... no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: not that i am acutely aware of..
Ever been Drunk: a lil tipsy yeah
Ever been called a Tease: Hmmm... yeahhh haha
Ever been Beaten up: Emotionally? Hahaha...
Ever Shoplifted: NO
How do you want to Die: Please, who WANTS to die?
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: see, i thought i knew..
What country would you most like to Visit: italy and spain
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: hazel
Favourite Hair Color: brown
Short or Long Hair: Short
Height: it's important that he is taller than i am
Weight: Don't care. I just don't want to break him... or be broken by him
Best Clothing Style: Clean
Number of Drugs I have taken: Why would I post this in public?
Number of CDs I own: uhm.. around 50
Number of Piercings: 6 holes but only 5 are filled (i think one closed already)
Number of Tattoos: im still planning on getting one
Number of things in my Past I Regret: NONE