last hurrah (re-post from now defunct livejournal space)

(re-posted from my livejournal, May 29, 2008)

It still hasn't sink in and yet I have 2 days(shifts) left before I finally say goodbye to everything I've been doing and I have known for the past 3 years. It has not been an easy choice. I will be leaving some of the greatest people I have met in this lifetime and knowing we would not be together (in that daily-ness/routine perspective) breaks my heart. I do hope we bump into each other from time to time to say hi and catch up on our lives.

I just feel like how I have felt 3 months ago, that my time here has expired and there's no other way but to move on. I mean, I am grateful for all the opportunities given to me but somehow all the recognition and added responsibility were not enough to compensate for the emptiness I felt inside. I was like a robot, my passion was gone and I couldn't find the motivation to work like I used to --with a clear purpose, defined goals.

I don't know if this was the result of the routine I have been doing (a.k.a. my job) for the past 3 years or so but I guess other factors played their parts too.

For the last 3 months I have felt like I was left hanging. Not the greatest feeling in the world, believe me. And I took beatings that I felt I did not deserve, well, not all of it at least. I think I have lost friendships in the process as well. People I've treated no less than family.

I just can't work in an environment where integrity is tainted by baseless decisions.

I am not perfect but I am not daft.

I am more aware not than you might think.

It's sad that I'm leaving like this. I've always stalled the decision to go whenever I had the urge thinking I can sleep on the thought and have it go away the next day. But then It was THAT one day when everything made sense to me and I knew there was no point in staying.
For the first time in my entire stay with Citi I did not feel proud to be a part of Operations Leadership.

I used to think that among all the people I have come across with she would be the un-shakeable. In the end though, she chose to sell out and and join the madness. To say that I am disappointed is an understatement. I am appalled, more than appalled. I'm leaving because I cannot live with myself if I looked back at my life and knew that for one second I condoned what was happening around me knowing it's not fair.

From Mr. Roño

Phenomenology of My Life with the Scholastican
By Allan Roi Roño

To make this reflection easy for me, I decided to use my usual story-telling method that I often employ in class. In that way my readers would also hopefully find it easy to relate. Another issue to be settled first is the intended audience of this paper. I have decided that this reflection paper of sorts will be mainly intended for a Scholastican audience. This is so because they are the subject of this reflection, and have been the ones who I have decided to turn my career path on for the past twelve years. However, it is not limited to just that. It is my hope that the theme is something that will transcend deeper than school affiliations. I will not narrate specific incidents that I have experienced and have been part of in my stay here in St. Scho, however it does not imply that I have forgotten all the things that have happened to me here. It also does not mean that the experiences are insignificant. In fact, I recognize the fact that all those experiences have given me much, much more than I could ever deserve to be rewarded with.

Twelve years. All those years; how do I sum up all that has come to pass? How do I contain all that has been and all that has come to be? Here I recognize myself as object as well as subject of the experiences that I have gone through. I sit down facing the computer and for a long moment, my fingers falter at the task of collecting all those years into a comprehensive thought.

Year in and year out the high school community goes through the 5S program. Simply described, 5S is a systematic, almost rigid, Japanese way of cleaning house. As many things Japanese, it is a way of life that has to first be imbibed. It is a mental attitude. No wonder why I could not clean up being the pack rat that I am. Here, I make an early realization that I do not have the mental discipline of the Japanese. It is because my mind itself has gotten cluttered with all those years, all those twelve years. And I know that before I move into my more than decade-long love affair with St. Scho, I must first sit down to sort, sweep, systematize, standardize, and then and only then will I see . . .

As I sort things out in my head, I know full well that what I keep and what I throw away will shape my memories. The clutter found in my general area of work, I readily find is not at all work-related. Everybody knows that I require minimal paperwork so I would not be the type to have piles of unchecked papers, yet all sorts of papers lay there like a trash heap… Or is it a treasure trove. On and in my desk is a collection of favorite poems scribbled on pieces of paper, CDs original and pirated, favorite books, the complete collection of Pugad Baboy and Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings series, credit card bills, small stuffed toys, birthday cards, my cell phone, props for magic tricks, Days nametags, unsigned notes and love letters from secret admirers, a collection of pens left in Troika, grad pics, photographs and neo-prints, a half- eaten chocolate bar, sandwich, some form of food, my coffee mug, and what have you. I cannot finish this enumeration, as it would probably take up the entire phenomenology. But this gives a rough idea of what one might expect to see on my desk, and the things that could possibly be in my mind.
I decide to set aside the durables from the non-durables. Likewise I sort the vivid memories from the ones that I’m not quite sure about anymore. I throw away small pieces of paper with little scribblings of phone numbers, grades, lecture notes, and the like. Then I make mental notes of those words unsaid and things left undone. As I sort through all the clutter of twelve years, I secretly shed a tear for the memories each little scrap of paper brings. Names and familiar faces come to form. I hear distant echoes of footsteps and chatter in the halls, crying and laughter, jokes and stories told on those lazy days when tales of ghosts and loves lost were far more interesting than any point of information. Photos from 50 pounds ago put a smile on my face and I bravely stifle another sob and laugh at how funny and happy everyone looked. The reason, I thought, it was difficult for me to keep from being messy was the sentimentality of each little item. It was the sentimentality that kept me from throwing away anything. And yet again I realize that it’s not really the thing that holds the memories but I who keep them, together with those I share the memories with. There, I thought. My desk is clean. But even upon secondary reflection, my mind is still cluttered. Ah yes, the matter of words unsaid and things undone.

Twelve years ago, I came to St. Scho on a whim. I had quit my job at a shipping line and decided to teach again. St. Scho was farthest from my mind, stupidly because I didn’t know where the hell it was. I had to ask a kabarkada, who’s also Scholastican, to accompany me. And to make a long story short, I was hired. I came to St. Scho re-invigorated by my youthful ideals. I stood very strong, convinced of my capabilities that I would make changes in the lives of those that I will encounter. But I was only partially right. As I enforced my brand of result-oriented style of teaching, my one resolution was to make and mold the Scholasticans into the best speakers this school will ever know. I demanded much from them because I only expected the utmost from myself as well. Perhaps this was a spring-off from my school days when we were battered with the Latin adage, non multa sed multum; to whom much is given, much is expected in return. Little did I realize that I failed to make real changes in them because they did not need changing. The Scholasticans were already good at whatever they were good at. It was only a matter of discovering their skills and talents. What I realized was that I was not making changes in them, rather they were making changes in me.

Unfortunately, in the hustle and bustle of a teacher’s life, I sometimes forget that students are not just adding machines and word processors. I sometimes set aside the part of students that love to laugh, sing, and dance, scream, tell stories, eat junk food, and so much more. I stopped reaching out. Then some years ago, I fell in love with the woman whom I thought I was going to share my life with. But fate decided to part our ways for reasons that were unclear to me until recently. And then I fell in love again. In a prayer, God told me His reason for breaking my heart. He said that He had to break my heart so that I could let you in, that I might learn to love again purely. Then you, unwittingly, perhaps unknowingly touched my heart. You the debaters, you the Dazers, you the quiet ones in class, and of course you the noisy ones, you who I always pat on the head, you with the curly hair, you who I played volleyball and basketball with, you that I walked out on, all you who were ever heart-broken, you who laughed out loud just at the sight of each others face, you who revealed your secrets, you who thought my jokes and antics in class were funny, you who were my little sisters, you who I sat with at the stones, you who I worked with, you who won and lost in the interclass competitions, you who gave a damn about my useless handouts, you who were the forced volunteers of the speech fests and inter-class debates, you who read my books, you who I played magic numbers with, yes even you who had difficulty speaking to me in English. Yes, you my dear Scholastican, you have touched me. And I, I secretly loved each moment with you.

With the touching is also a process of attachment. Yet the final irony is this. As the bond becomes stronger, the time looms closer when each must let go. It is unfair that just when I’ve managed to let you all in, I have to break my heart all over again to let you go. The irony of love, I find, is that it comes with an equal degree of pain. The stronger the love, the more the pain when the loss comes. But the point of it all is not in the pain. Pain just lets you know that you are alive and that you are human. The pain allows you growth and should make you stronger. It is love that gives meaning to your humanity. And when you have found some meaning in life, then the pain becomes worth its while. That is why I find it hard to throw anything away.

In this phenomenology I have come to realize many things. I have long ago realized that to be a teacher means so likely that I will never be financially up to par with my classmates who’ve gone to the business sector. But it doesn’t mean that I will be poor either. My wealth is way beyond any of my contemporaries could ever appreciate or even begin to imagine. Teaching for me is that proverbial road-less-traveled-of-sorts. They may have their nice cars, salaries beyond actual brain activity, stock dividends and all; they can have all that. But me, I have grad songs, barkada adventures, text mates beyond comprehension, and heroines for my stories, laughter each day, the most beautiful people to be with, and yes, even tears shed in secret.

Teaching in St. Scho is not a mechanical, automated thing. For me it has become more than just instructing students. It’s about molding leaders. It’s about the joy of growing up without getting old. It’s about learning from each other. It’s about suffering to reach the stars (ad astra per aspera). It is a relationship between a mentor and pupil, a lot of times between friends, sometimes between a kuya and little sister, and always, always a relationship of souls on a journey. Teaching has given so much more. Through this experience, I have been allowed to touch and be touched by the human soul; something I dare say very few of my contemporaries have even come close to. You are my wealth. Though I could not exchange you for a new car, (God knows I need a new one), that wealth has allowed me to live fully. True it is that my friends and classmates have made a better living than I have. But how many of them, I dare ask again have truly made a life. They can and will go on building big business empires, but I, I’m building the future.

Now, I thought to myself; I can re-organize my usually cluttered desk as I also restore order in my mind. I save all the things that are worth keeping and arrange them in my desk and drawers. I then neatly pile together all that have become unnecessary and all that I will throw away. . . I look at my desk, then I smile and marvel at how very little has changed.

exactly 5 minutes before i go and i just want to say that maybe there are things i'd rather be doing and instances i'd rather not have myself involved with--but unexpectedly, i am at peace and there's nothing more than i'd want than to be where i am right now.

i'm happy.

in a long time it wasn't so.

and now i can just relish the thought that i have my breath of fresh air.

it's riveting. it's real.

You And Me

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up
And I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me
And all of the people
With nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me
And all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

Well all of the things
That I wanna say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me
And all of the people
With nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me
And all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is bright

Cause it's you and me
And all of the people
With nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me
And all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of

Cause its You and me
And all of the people
With nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me
And all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive

[you and me. lifehouse]

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone
who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman you've ever known.
I am the dullest woman you've ever known.
I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

And you’re still here
And you're still here...


[Everything. Alanis Morisette]

how do you know that your current is already over the previous?

----

just one of the things bouncing in my head as of the moment.. that and a lot of othert things. most are work-related, which accounts for that fact that i feel so stressed out lately..

teams have re-shuffled, and in as much as i am having a blast with my current team, i have no choice but to let go..

i am never good at that.

now i am bugged by the idea that maybe the next set of people i'll be handling wouldn't be as good, or as fun, or as bonded. i mean, i know showing the slightest positivity could actually help, but i guess i am possessed with the spirit of Daria once again..

or maybe the negativity comes from the fact that i passed by and saw her writing her name on her screen.

slept 6 hours straight today, which compensates for the other 2 days i averaged 4 hours.

***

the guard won't let me and biggx enter the floor permises because he didn't think we floor coaches.haha. it took quite a show to get him convinced that we needed to do the scorecards tonight.

anyways, i left home at around 10.30 because i sat and watched The Chronicles of Narnia after i took a shower at 8. i didn't get to finish it though. so that's what i'll be doing later on when i get home.

yesterday was (i don't even know how to describe it, really..) uhm.. terrible, i guess. i didn't speak with my team (which was probably the result of me being angry at someone).. i know that was wrong but my entire angry system just got triggered by the fact that the team wasn't performing and yet they were noisy and slacking around. so i dunno what devil possessed me and i hit the roof right then and there.

sorry team.

but hey, Sarah reached quota, right? hehe.

so anyways, i was having a hard time doing my job and at the same time thinking about the problem i had.. the bad thing bout me is that when i'm mad, i don't function.. everything just shuts down. so i was avoiding this person the whole day.. i figured if she was mad at me as well the least i could do is give her space. so space it is. this went on the entire shift and it ma made me much crazier and irate and depressed and lonely.

i was driving kaydee crazy with all my questions as well. good thing she's not the breakdown type. that's more like me.

so i got her the last of my presents.. finally. i hope she likes it. shouldn've given the rest yesterday but i was too afraid to come close.

we're fine now. turns out she wasn't directly angry at me but the timing and the situation.

i'm just glad we're OKAY. kinda missed her the whole day yesterday.

i've got reports to do.. so i'll just try and be back later if time allows.

she calls me yabang, i call her sungit.

it started when we were seatmates and i'd brag (jokingly) about my sales and she'd retaliate with indifference.

finally sungit, narating ko na rin ang friendster mo.. hehe.. cute cute naman ng doggie :p pahiram, pwede? hehe.. anyway, macke's the one i became closest to in team kath (this is after kaydee because we got separated into different teams). we'd spend our calling time sa kulitan and non-stop kwentuhan and asaran. and even now that we're not teammates, we're still pretty close. i dunno if a lot of people know this about macke, but she's very thoughtful and corny (she says she got this from me --yabang!) and sweet and generous and super super kind.. and even if you're not together all the time, she makes you feel that she's just there for you no matter what. actually, the first time i met her, i didn't think we'd be friends kc parang ang tahimik nya, walang kibo...yun pala complete opposite!!hehe..di ko sha masabayan when she's hyper! seriously though, she's the kind of person na tahimik lang but talks a lot of sense (even if i tell her otherwise just to spite her) and she'll really blow you away with the kind of surprises she has for you. i know we've just met recently but somehowi feel like i've known you for a long time already.. and hey, i know i don't get to say this often, but i am forever changed because of who you are and what you mean to me..thanks for blessing me with your friendship. i hope i could return the favor by the promise that i'll be here for you whether or not you need me. thank you for being one of the few reasons i can say life is beautiful. I LOVE YOU.

Carrie (Sex in the City): Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

11:04 PM 12/23/2005
there's some minor changes happening starting next month.. first off, coach kath has accepted a back-up supervisor position at Citibank International, which means that her team will be left without a coach.

when we had an ops meeting yesterday, Miss Jai announced Coach Kath's decision, with the condition that i would take over her place as the new coach of her team.. i initially didn't know how to react. i mean, i was flattered to be given such greater responsibility, at the same time i had to think about the team that i would be leaving as well. it saddens me thinking about leaving my children. i was just starting to get to know them and then i would need to pass them on to someone new..

oh well. change is the only permanent thing in this world. i would have to get used to it somehow.

and so i told Sungit about it as soon as i found out. i had apprehensions, that i will admit. but more than the fear of not living up to what Coach Kath has started for the team, i am pretty excited working with the team i actually came from before i even became a coach.. not to mention the fact that i get to be closer to someone. hehe.

guess the minor detail isn't so minor after all. ;p

--------------

i'm going to Shang after shift and continue with my search for the perfect gift for Deej.. it's so difficult thinking of what gift to give someone you know so well.. it's not that she's hard to please, but i guess since you are familiar with almost everything about each other, you just want to give something different.. something extraordinary.. and finding that in a mall with more people than merchandise available can be really taxing and frustrating.

i'm hoping i go home with something nice tough.. and not too expensive because 13th month pay is depleting at an alarming rate. hehe.