Hafi birdie

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TITA TESS!!!

san ka manlibre?

breakfast thoughts

haven't had breakfast yet. i'm craving for bacon and eggs but i will get to that later. i'm too lazy to go down 3 floors..

i was watching House season 1 yesterday and fell asleep through episode 8, i think. House has been out as early as 2004 but I'm just watching it now because:

1. I'm still waiting for the 4th season of Grey's Anatomy to come out on dvd and there's nothing else to watch.
2. I like House's take on how he handles his patients (he does not like meeting them at all)
3.I think House and Cristina Yang would get along. harhar. and lastly,
4. Jesse Spencer is not hard to look at and his accent is cute.

anyways, I spent most of my day yesterday editing html tags the template of this blog. It wasn't fun since i have a stye and blinking hurt a lot, non-blinking made me tear up.

A sty (sometimes spelled stye) is a tender, painful red bump located at the base of an eyelash or under or inside the eyelid. The medical term for a sty is hordeolum (plural, hordeola).

i have been applying wam compress to the area and I hope this goes away soon.

i got a message from Camille's office again and they are inviting me to come over tonight. i'm still asking Behng is she wants to go with me. i don't think they'll let us start soon anyways so we can still go on with our mini-break. but i dunno. i'll find out later.

surprisingly, i am not missing work as much as i had expected. it's weird. at the same time it's a relief because i know i'm just going to be sad remembering the friends i've left behind.

speaking of friends, roanne is not in good shape. i found out yesterday that she went to see the doctor again because her headaches won't go away and was advised to have a brain ultrasound in lieu of an MRI because it is too expensive and is not covered by insurance. doctors cannot pinpoint what's causing the headaches and is considering migraine as one of the culprits but there's nothing definite yet. i hope she gets better soon. she has missed work for how many days now and i know how much she wants to get back since she needs to save up due to her pregnancy. i hope things turn out well for her.

i don't have an agenda for today yet. maybe the bacon and eggs will help me think better.

on to breakfast now my friends...

To all Kulasas

KULASA KA KUNG...

1. Nakatikim ka ng stone soup
2. Nakatikim ka ng German cookies
3. Aware ka sa Hiroshima bombing
4. Nakapag noise barrage ka
5. Kilala mo si Tita Naty (Junto Al Pasig, A Midsummer Nights Dream in my case.)

6. Alam mo kung na saan ang Tunnel of Truth
7. Alam mo ang SRA at ang iba't ibang colors nito (favorite ko 'to I was able to finish the entire set kase madaya ako I'd go to the next color without permission. haha)
8. Alam mong may star section at honor's class kahit ideny ng mga teachers
9. Lahat ng accessories mo ay blue, black at white.
10. Pag nakakakita ka ng music notes nirerecite mo ang ta ta ti ti ta ta titi ti ti ta ta (at naalala ko si Mr. Reyes at ang hanger nya sa likod --sino si Mr. Reyes? and naabutan ko yung teacher sa recorder and Ms. Camu nung gradeschool. Mr. Villapando and Ms. Arnaldo nung HS)
11. Kilala mo si Ms. Camu (oo, pinalabas ako neto ng Little Theatre nung grade 1 ako kase ayoko gamitin yung mimeographed copy nung song kase memorize ko naman yung kanta. seryoso she sent me out in the middle of 1st communion practice!)
12. Kilala mo at may phobia ka kay Gng. De Vera at ang Pulang Kotse ng Kamatayan (ano yung pulang kotse??? –well mas naalala ko ang pajero ni Ms De Vera)
13. Kilala mo at may phobia ka kay Ms.Salazar (sobra!)
14. Nagaayos ka ng uniform (tinu-tuck in ang blouse) pag papalapit si Mrs. Ferrer o kung sino mang discipline head

15. Nagtaka ka bakit hindi umuulit ng damit si Mrs Pengson. (Hahaha! Idol!)
16. Tinry mo gayahin ang signature ni Mrs Pengson.(not really…)
17. Natry mo na din gayahin ang signature ni Ms. Salazar

18. Pag lower batch ka hindi ka dapat tumatambay sa stone tables
19. Nag Arnis class ka in lieu of CAT.(or martial arts class to the tune of EYE OF THE TIGER)
Nag SEEP ka. (Ano to??? –i think our batch had this at Cavite.. dun sa army camp talaga with matching horses running free sa tent areas namin)

20. Nung Senior ka ginamit mo ang POWER OF THE "G" BADGE
21. Wala kang problema umupo sa sahig (which I still have the habit of)
22. Mabigat ang bulsa mo. May wallet, suklay, ballpen at cellfone kasi. (Wala akong cellphone nung HS…But inside my pocket was my giant wallet with all the wallet-sized pics, pens, and whatever novel I was reading that time were all inside my wallet. Got to a point na napigtal ang straps ng jumper ko sa bigat ng bulsa!)
23. Pag tumatakbo ka nakahawak ka sa bulsa mo.(kasi nga ang bigat)
24. Pag after periodical exams, nasa Glorietta ka.

25. Naexperience mo ang International or Asia-Pacific finals. (nakakaloka to! di ako makakopya!!)
26. Pag nagkikita kayo ng friends mo sa ibang place, kung magbatian kayo parang 10 years na kayong hindi nagkikita.
27. Mabigat ang paa mo pag naglalakad lalo na sa hagdan (which I still have the habit of)
28. Sanay ka sa debates and impromptu speeches (thanks to Ms. Lara Bediones, Mr. Mike Lopez, Ms. Tuesday Loza and Mr. Ricky Dela Cruz)

29. Gumawa ka ng physics toy
30. Ayaw mo gumamit ng banyo malapit sa physics room may multo kasi dun.
31. Alam mo ang Let's cheer for St.Scholastica, Fealty Song ("We are here,dear SSC..", "Come loyal Benedictine children..")

32. Alam mo kung ano ang SCHOLARI
33. Alam mo kung ano ang late slip, absent slip at index cards
34. Kilala mo si tita Vicky
35. Tumutungo ka sa "God" sa "That In All Things God May Be Glorified" (i do this until now!)

36. Marunong ka gumawa ng parol na puro recycled materials ang gamit. (well, making the advent wreath was more memorable for me)

37. Marunong ka gumawa ng Advent Wreath gamit lamang ang dyaryo at crepe paper (refer to my comment in no. 36)
38. Pag may birthday after mo kantahan sasabihin mo "Happy Birthday ___! How old are you? Jump ____ times!"
39. Alam mo ibig sabihin ng Ora et Labora

40. Game ka sa lahat ng bagay. Hindi ka maarte.

41. Tinatawag mo lahat ng matatanda sayo sa campus manong at manang. (Which I still have a habit of even if i'm in my mid-20's)
42. Pag late ka after recess or lunch ang ilalagay mo sa late slip mo "traffic along the stairs or long lines in the comfort rooms"
43. Ang tawag mo sa song sa grad march ay "tan tananan tan tan…"
44. You are a feminist
45. Natatawa ka pag may nababarok (Hahaha! Hanggang ngayon! Alam mong there's a Kulasa in the "same room", pag nagtinginan kayo pag may nababarok)
46. Hindi mo kayang di mag-comment pag may wrong grammar or diction.

47. Alam mo yung dark stairs na matarik sa high school building.
48. Kilala mo ang Blue Flame

49. Nag Typing class, Agri Arts and Sewing with Miss Ponce.
50. Alam mo yung "Blame It On The Rain" na pinapatugtog ni Mrs. Ponce sa typing class. (And other 80s music like Friday I'm In Love and Michael Learns to Rock songs habang nakablindfold ka or may paper bag sa ulo)
51. Nag fashion show ka suot ang damit na tinahi mo sa Sewing class
52. kaya mong magsulat, magdirect, magproduce ng play in one week
53. fave lunch nyo ay cutlet, sizzling or bLT from Pumpernickels.
54. kaya mong magpalit ng PE uniform and school uniform sa gitna ng gym or gitna ng field ng di nakikitaan.
55. alam mo ibig sabihin ng O, VS, S, MS, NI
56. pastime nyo ang magkalikot ng wallet during Morning Praise and school gatherings sa field, gym & St. Cecile's.
57. Napakalaking adventure na sayo ang takasan ang mga guard sa gate 1 para pumunta sa U.M. ng naka uniform (True!)
58. nung grade school ka, naniwala ka na gumagalaw sa gabi ang statue ni Mama Mary sa Mary's Garden na Peace Garden na ngayon (at may time na natsismis na umiyak sha with matching tracks of her tears dun sa statue)
59. favorite mo ang manggang hilaw at bagoong sa gate 6

60. Naka-attend ka ng Misa De Gallo na naka-Filipino Costume after spending the night in school (ano nga ulit tawag dito sa overnight na to??)
61. nung prep ka pa, naiingit ka k hindi ka pwede sa reference section ng LRC, pero nung naging grade 4 and above ka na, naiinggit ka dahil di ka na pwede sa children's corner sa LRC na madaming pillows at stuffed toy
62. New Building ang tawag mo sa New Building kahit hindi na siya ang pinaka-new building.

63. Sa foods class, naexperience mo maging marketer, food prep, cook at diswasher

64. Naabuso mo ang mga freshmen little sisters sa Integration.

65. May soirees (in my batch, with Letran-1st year and Ateneo-3rd year)
66. nauubos ang lunch mo sa panonood ng interclass debates dahil kasali ka or nandun ang kabarkada mo

67. nagsurrender ka ng pager mo before an exam (di pa uso cellphones nun)

68. takot kang ma-confine sa infirmary kase may multo daw dun

69. Kilala mo si Ms. Hamsain
70. tumambay ka sa mga batibot

71. Nagpunta ka sa Divisoria sa Consumer Ed class.

72. Nagpunta ka sa Don Bosco to study Driver's Ed

73. Ballet, Folk Dance, Swimming, Outdoor games, Arnis, Basketball, Volleyball, Badminton and PE mo nung HS

74. pumipila ka sa drinking fountains

75. Sa gate 6 or 7 ka tumatambay kapag bus rider ka.

76. Alam mo kung nasan ang lunch counters

77. Excited ka sa grad song ng class mo at kinarir nyo ang pagpractice nito

78. Nakapag-retreat ka sa St. Scho Retreat House sa Tagaytay

79. Nag-algebra ka with Mr. Itoralba

80. Walang rides and school fair (the last time may rides grade 4 pa yata ako)

81. Um-attend ka ng concerts (I-Band Aid mo!, Bluestock, True Faith, Parokya, Nyoy Volante, etc.)

82. Namigay ka ng grad pics in exchange for your friend's grad pics as well

83. Meron kang Gala uniform

84. Bumibili ka ng pirated CDs sa UM after class

85. Alam mo ang Cybert at si Kuya Bert

86. Nag-iwan ka ng bag mo sa Gate 1 at ng paalis ka na hindi mo na makita ang bag mo sa dami ng mga bags doon

87. naglaro ka ng chinese garter, patintero, cops and robbers, jackstones and chinese jackstones nung Gradeschool

88. Alam mo yung Lay-away sa gradescool library

89. Bawal ma-late pag Monday dahil sa Morning Praise

Know more? send it in!

last hurrah (re-post from now defunct livejournal space)

(re-posted from my livejournal, May 29, 2008)

It still hasn't sink in and yet I have 2 days(shifts) left before I finally say goodbye to everything I've been doing and I have known for the past 3 years. It has not been an easy choice. I will be leaving some of the greatest people I have met in this lifetime and knowing we would not be together (in that daily-ness/routine perspective) breaks my heart. I do hope we bump into each other from time to time to say hi and catch up on our lives.

I just feel like how I have felt 3 months ago, that my time here has expired and there's no other way but to move on. I mean, I am grateful for all the opportunities given to me but somehow all the recognition and added responsibility were not enough to compensate for the emptiness I felt inside. I was like a robot, my passion was gone and I couldn't find the motivation to work like I used to --with a clear purpose, defined goals.

I don't know if this was the result of the routine I have been doing (a.k.a. my job) for the past 3 years or so but I guess other factors played their parts too.

For the last 3 months I have felt like I was left hanging. Not the greatest feeling in the world, believe me. And I took beatings that I felt I did not deserve, well, not all of it at least. I think I have lost friendships in the process as well. People I've treated no less than family.

I just can't work in an environment where integrity is tainted by baseless decisions.

I am not perfect but I am not daft.

I am more aware not than you might think.

It's sad that I'm leaving like this. I've always stalled the decision to go whenever I had the urge thinking I can sleep on the thought and have it go away the next day. But then It was THAT one day when everything made sense to me and I knew there was no point in staying.
For the first time in my entire stay with Citi I did not feel proud to be a part of Operations Leadership.

I used to think that among all the people I have come across with she would be the un-shakeable. In the end though, she chose to sell out and and join the madness. To say that I am disappointed is an understatement. I am appalled, more than appalled. I'm leaving because I cannot live with myself if I looked back at my life and knew that for one second I condoned what was happening around me knowing it's not fair.

From Mr. Roño

Phenomenology of My Life with the Scholastican
By Allan Roi Roño

To make this reflection easy for me, I decided to use my usual story-telling method that I often employ in class. In that way my readers would also hopefully find it easy to relate. Another issue to be settled first is the intended audience of this paper. I have decided that this reflection paper of sorts will be mainly intended for a Scholastican audience. This is so because they are the subject of this reflection, and have been the ones who I have decided to turn my career path on for the past twelve years. However, it is not limited to just that. It is my hope that the theme is something that will transcend deeper than school affiliations. I will not narrate specific incidents that I have experienced and have been part of in my stay here in St. Scho, however it does not imply that I have forgotten all the things that have happened to me here. It also does not mean that the experiences are insignificant. In fact, I recognize the fact that all those experiences have given me much, much more than I could ever deserve to be rewarded with.

Twelve years. All those years; how do I sum up all that has come to pass? How do I contain all that has been and all that has come to be? Here I recognize myself as object as well as subject of the experiences that I have gone through. I sit down facing the computer and for a long moment, my fingers falter at the task of collecting all those years into a comprehensive thought.

Year in and year out the high school community goes through the 5S program. Simply described, 5S is a systematic, almost rigid, Japanese way of cleaning house. As many things Japanese, it is a way of life that has to first be imbibed. It is a mental attitude. No wonder why I could not clean up being the pack rat that I am. Here, I make an early realization that I do not have the mental discipline of the Japanese. It is because my mind itself has gotten cluttered with all those years, all those twelve years. And I know that before I move into my more than decade-long love affair with St. Scho, I must first sit down to sort, sweep, systematize, standardize, and then and only then will I see . . .

As I sort things out in my head, I know full well that what I keep and what I throw away will shape my memories. The clutter found in my general area of work, I readily find is not at all work-related. Everybody knows that I require minimal paperwork so I would not be the type to have piles of unchecked papers, yet all sorts of papers lay there like a trash heap… Or is it a treasure trove. On and in my desk is a collection of favorite poems scribbled on pieces of paper, CDs original and pirated, favorite books, the complete collection of Pugad Baboy and Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings series, credit card bills, small stuffed toys, birthday cards, my cell phone, props for magic tricks, Days nametags, unsigned notes and love letters from secret admirers, a collection of pens left in Troika, grad pics, photographs and neo-prints, a half- eaten chocolate bar, sandwich, some form of food, my coffee mug, and what have you. I cannot finish this enumeration, as it would probably take up the entire phenomenology. But this gives a rough idea of what one might expect to see on my desk, and the things that could possibly be in my mind.
I decide to set aside the durables from the non-durables. Likewise I sort the vivid memories from the ones that I’m not quite sure about anymore. I throw away small pieces of paper with little scribblings of phone numbers, grades, lecture notes, and the like. Then I make mental notes of those words unsaid and things left undone. As I sort through all the clutter of twelve years, I secretly shed a tear for the memories each little scrap of paper brings. Names and familiar faces come to form. I hear distant echoes of footsteps and chatter in the halls, crying and laughter, jokes and stories told on those lazy days when tales of ghosts and loves lost were far more interesting than any point of information. Photos from 50 pounds ago put a smile on my face and I bravely stifle another sob and laugh at how funny and happy everyone looked. The reason, I thought, it was difficult for me to keep from being messy was the sentimentality of each little item. It was the sentimentality that kept me from throwing away anything. And yet again I realize that it’s not really the thing that holds the memories but I who keep them, together with those I share the memories with. There, I thought. My desk is clean. But even upon secondary reflection, my mind is still cluttered. Ah yes, the matter of words unsaid and things undone.

Twelve years ago, I came to St. Scho on a whim. I had quit my job at a shipping line and decided to teach again. St. Scho was farthest from my mind, stupidly because I didn’t know where the hell it was. I had to ask a kabarkada, who’s also Scholastican, to accompany me. And to make a long story short, I was hired. I came to St. Scho re-invigorated by my youthful ideals. I stood very strong, convinced of my capabilities that I would make changes in the lives of those that I will encounter. But I was only partially right. As I enforced my brand of result-oriented style of teaching, my one resolution was to make and mold the Scholasticans into the best speakers this school will ever know. I demanded much from them because I only expected the utmost from myself as well. Perhaps this was a spring-off from my school days when we were battered with the Latin adage, non multa sed multum; to whom much is given, much is expected in return. Little did I realize that I failed to make real changes in them because they did not need changing. The Scholasticans were already good at whatever they were good at. It was only a matter of discovering their skills and talents. What I realized was that I was not making changes in them, rather they were making changes in me.

Unfortunately, in the hustle and bustle of a teacher’s life, I sometimes forget that students are not just adding machines and word processors. I sometimes set aside the part of students that love to laugh, sing, and dance, scream, tell stories, eat junk food, and so much more. I stopped reaching out. Then some years ago, I fell in love with the woman whom I thought I was going to share my life with. But fate decided to part our ways for reasons that were unclear to me until recently. And then I fell in love again. In a prayer, God told me His reason for breaking my heart. He said that He had to break my heart so that I could let you in, that I might learn to love again purely. Then you, unwittingly, perhaps unknowingly touched my heart. You the debaters, you the Dazers, you the quiet ones in class, and of course you the noisy ones, you who I always pat on the head, you with the curly hair, you who I played volleyball and basketball with, you that I walked out on, all you who were ever heart-broken, you who laughed out loud just at the sight of each others face, you who revealed your secrets, you who thought my jokes and antics in class were funny, you who were my little sisters, you who I sat with at the stones, you who I worked with, you who won and lost in the interclass competitions, you who gave a damn about my useless handouts, you who were the forced volunteers of the speech fests and inter-class debates, you who read my books, you who I played magic numbers with, yes even you who had difficulty speaking to me in English. Yes, you my dear Scholastican, you have touched me. And I, I secretly loved each moment with you.

With the touching is also a process of attachment. Yet the final irony is this. As the bond becomes stronger, the time looms closer when each must let go. It is unfair that just when I’ve managed to let you all in, I have to break my heart all over again to let you go. The irony of love, I find, is that it comes with an equal degree of pain. The stronger the love, the more the pain when the loss comes. But the point of it all is not in the pain. Pain just lets you know that you are alive and that you are human. The pain allows you growth and should make you stronger. It is love that gives meaning to your humanity. And when you have found some meaning in life, then the pain becomes worth its while. That is why I find it hard to throw anything away.

In this phenomenology I have come to realize many things. I have long ago realized that to be a teacher means so likely that I will never be financially up to par with my classmates who’ve gone to the business sector. But it doesn’t mean that I will be poor either. My wealth is way beyond any of my contemporaries could ever appreciate or even begin to imagine. Teaching for me is that proverbial road-less-traveled-of-sorts. They may have their nice cars, salaries beyond actual brain activity, stock dividends and all; they can have all that. But me, I have grad songs, barkada adventures, text mates beyond comprehension, and heroines for my stories, laughter each day, the most beautiful people to be with, and yes, even tears shed in secret.

Teaching in St. Scho is not a mechanical, automated thing. For me it has become more than just instructing students. It’s about molding leaders. It’s about the joy of growing up without getting old. It’s about learning from each other. It’s about suffering to reach the stars (ad astra per aspera). It is a relationship between a mentor and pupil, a lot of times between friends, sometimes between a kuya and little sister, and always, always a relationship of souls on a journey. Teaching has given so much more. Through this experience, I have been allowed to touch and be touched by the human soul; something I dare say very few of my contemporaries have even come close to. You are my wealth. Though I could not exchange you for a new car, (God knows I need a new one), that wealth has allowed me to live fully. True it is that my friends and classmates have made a better living than I have. But how many of them, I dare ask again have truly made a life. They can and will go on building big business empires, but I, I’m building the future.

Now, I thought to myself; I can re-organize my usually cluttered desk as I also restore order in my mind. I save all the things that are worth keeping and arrange them in my desk and drawers. I then neatly pile together all that have become unnecessary and all that I will throw away. . . I look at my desk, then I smile and marvel at how very little has changed.

exactly 5 minutes before i go and i just want to say that maybe there are things i'd rather be doing and instances i'd rather not have myself involved with--but unexpectedly, i am at peace and there's nothing more than i'd want than to be where i am right now.

i'm happy.

in a long time it wasn't so.

and now i can just relish the thought that i have my breath of fresh air.

it's riveting. it's real.

You And Me

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up
And I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me
And all of the people
With nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me
And all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

Well all of the things
That I wanna say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me
And all of the people
With nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me
And all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is bright

Cause it's you and me
And all of the people
With nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me
And all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of

Cause its You and me
And all of the people
With nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me
And all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive

[you and me. lifehouse]

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone
who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman you've ever known.
I am the dullest woman you've ever known.
I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

And you’re still here
And you're still here...


[Everything. Alanis Morisette]

how do you know that your current is already over the previous?

----

just one of the things bouncing in my head as of the moment.. that and a lot of othert things. most are work-related, which accounts for that fact that i feel so stressed out lately..

teams have re-shuffled, and in as much as i am having a blast with my current team, i have no choice but to let go..

i am never good at that.

now i am bugged by the idea that maybe the next set of people i'll be handling wouldn't be as good, or as fun, or as bonded. i mean, i know showing the slightest positivity could actually help, but i guess i am possessed with the spirit of Daria once again..

or maybe the negativity comes from the fact that i passed by and saw her writing her name on her screen.

slept 6 hours straight today, which compensates for the other 2 days i averaged 4 hours.

***

the guard won't let me and biggx enter the floor permises because he didn't think we floor coaches.haha. it took quite a show to get him convinced that we needed to do the scorecards tonight.

anyways, i left home at around 10.30 because i sat and watched The Chronicles of Narnia after i took a shower at 8. i didn't get to finish it though. so that's what i'll be doing later on when i get home.

yesterday was (i don't even know how to describe it, really..) uhm.. terrible, i guess. i didn't speak with my team (which was probably the result of me being angry at someone).. i know that was wrong but my entire angry system just got triggered by the fact that the team wasn't performing and yet they were noisy and slacking around. so i dunno what devil possessed me and i hit the roof right then and there.

sorry team.

but hey, Sarah reached quota, right? hehe.

so anyways, i was having a hard time doing my job and at the same time thinking about the problem i had.. the bad thing bout me is that when i'm mad, i don't function.. everything just shuts down. so i was avoiding this person the whole day.. i figured if she was mad at me as well the least i could do is give her space. so space it is. this went on the entire shift and it ma made me much crazier and irate and depressed and lonely.

i was driving kaydee crazy with all my questions as well. good thing she's not the breakdown type. that's more like me.

so i got her the last of my presents.. finally. i hope she likes it. shouldn've given the rest yesterday but i was too afraid to come close.

we're fine now. turns out she wasn't directly angry at me but the timing and the situation.

i'm just glad we're OKAY. kinda missed her the whole day yesterday.

i've got reports to do.. so i'll just try and be back later if time allows.