exactly 5 minutes before i go and i just want to say that maybe there are things i'd rather be doing and instances i'd rather not have myself involved with--but unexpectedly, i am at peace and there's nothing more than i'd want than to be where i am right now.

i'm happy.

in a long time it wasn't so.

and now i can just relish the thought that i have my breath of fresh air.

it's riveting. it's real.

You And Me

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up
And I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me
And all of the people
With nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me
And all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

Well all of the things
That I wanna say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me
And all of the people
With nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me
And all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is bright

Cause it's you and me
And all of the people
With nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me
And all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of

Cause its You and me
And all of the people
With nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me
And all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive

[you and me. lifehouse]

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone
who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman you've ever known.
I am the dullest woman you've ever known.
I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

And you’re still here
And you're still here...


[Everything. Alanis Morisette]

how do you know that your current is already over the previous?

----

just one of the things bouncing in my head as of the moment.. that and a lot of othert things. most are work-related, which accounts for that fact that i feel so stressed out lately..

teams have re-shuffled, and in as much as i am having a blast with my current team, i have no choice but to let go..

i am never good at that.

now i am bugged by the idea that maybe the next set of people i'll be handling wouldn't be as good, or as fun, or as bonded. i mean, i know showing the slightest positivity could actually help, but i guess i am possessed with the spirit of Daria once again..

or maybe the negativity comes from the fact that i passed by and saw her writing her name on her screen.

slept 6 hours straight today, which compensates for the other 2 days i averaged 4 hours.

***

the guard won't let me and biggx enter the floor permises because he didn't think we floor coaches.haha. it took quite a show to get him convinced that we needed to do the scorecards tonight.

anyways, i left home at around 10.30 because i sat and watched The Chronicles of Narnia after i took a shower at 8. i didn't get to finish it though. so that's what i'll be doing later on when i get home.

yesterday was (i don't even know how to describe it, really..) uhm.. terrible, i guess. i didn't speak with my team (which was probably the result of me being angry at someone).. i know that was wrong but my entire angry system just got triggered by the fact that the team wasn't performing and yet they were noisy and slacking around. so i dunno what devil possessed me and i hit the roof right then and there.

sorry team.

but hey, Sarah reached quota, right? hehe.

so anyways, i was having a hard time doing my job and at the same time thinking about the problem i had.. the bad thing bout me is that when i'm mad, i don't function.. everything just shuts down. so i was avoiding this person the whole day.. i figured if she was mad at me as well the least i could do is give her space. so space it is. this went on the entire shift and it ma made me much crazier and irate and depressed and lonely.

i was driving kaydee crazy with all my questions as well. good thing she's not the breakdown type. that's more like me.

so i got her the last of my presents.. finally. i hope she likes it. shouldn've given the rest yesterday but i was too afraid to come close.

we're fine now. turns out she wasn't directly angry at me but the timing and the situation.

i'm just glad we're OKAY. kinda missed her the whole day yesterday.

i've got reports to do.. so i'll just try and be back later if time allows.

she calls me yabang, i call her sungit.

it started when we were seatmates and i'd brag (jokingly) about my sales and she'd retaliate with indifference.

finally sungit, narating ko na rin ang friendster mo.. hehe.. cute cute naman ng doggie :p pahiram, pwede? hehe.. anyway, macke's the one i became closest to in team kath (this is after kaydee because we got separated into different teams). we'd spend our calling time sa kulitan and non-stop kwentuhan and asaran. and even now that we're not teammates, we're still pretty close. i dunno if a lot of people know this about macke, but she's very thoughtful and corny (she says she got this from me --yabang!) and sweet and generous and super super kind.. and even if you're not together all the time, she makes you feel that she's just there for you no matter what. actually, the first time i met her, i didn't think we'd be friends kc parang ang tahimik nya, walang kibo...yun pala complete opposite!!hehe..di ko sha masabayan when she's hyper! seriously though, she's the kind of person na tahimik lang but talks a lot of sense (even if i tell her otherwise just to spite her) and she'll really blow you away with the kind of surprises she has for you. i know we've just met recently but somehowi feel like i've known you for a long time already.. and hey, i know i don't get to say this often, but i am forever changed because of who you are and what you mean to me..thanks for blessing me with your friendship. i hope i could return the favor by the promise that i'll be here for you whether or not you need me. thank you for being one of the few reasons i can say life is beautiful. I LOVE YOU.

Carrie (Sex in the City): Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

11:04 PM 12/23/2005
there's some minor changes happening starting next month.. first off, coach kath has accepted a back-up supervisor position at Citibank International, which means that her team will be left without a coach.

when we had an ops meeting yesterday, Miss Jai announced Coach Kath's decision, with the condition that i would take over her place as the new coach of her team.. i initially didn't know how to react. i mean, i was flattered to be given such greater responsibility, at the same time i had to think about the team that i would be leaving as well. it saddens me thinking about leaving my children. i was just starting to get to know them and then i would need to pass them on to someone new..

oh well. change is the only permanent thing in this world. i would have to get used to it somehow.

and so i told Sungit about it as soon as i found out. i had apprehensions, that i will admit. but more than the fear of not living up to what Coach Kath has started for the team, i am pretty excited working with the team i actually came from before i even became a coach.. not to mention the fact that i get to be closer to someone. hehe.

guess the minor detail isn't so minor after all. ;p

--------------

i'm going to Shang after shift and continue with my search for the perfect gift for Deej.. it's so difficult thinking of what gift to give someone you know so well.. it's not that she's hard to please, but i guess since you are familiar with almost everything about each other, you just want to give something different.. something extraordinary.. and finding that in a mall with more people than merchandise available can be really taxing and frustrating.

i'm hoping i go home with something nice tough.. and not too expensive because 13th month pay is depleting at an alarming rate. hehe.

10:16 PM 12/22/2005

I got a text from my bestfriend yesterday and yes, it was a surprise because we never even get to talk anymore, much less see each other. Conflicting schedules, that’s why. Anyway, it was kind of random. She was at Coffee Bean in RCBC waiting for Mark and she just texted to say that life is changing rapidly. Things are really different than when we were merely college freshmen (we were 16 then). She went on to lament how she was afraid that in the end we might be exactly the same as we were back when we were younger. But I guess that’s something we shouldn’t fear. A part of who we are today is because of the person we were in the past and that’s something we should be thankful for. Who knows what we’ll all end up being? All I know is that who I was in the past will forever remain.


10:17 PM 12/22/2005

i got home yesterday, which was record-breaking, considering that i got home at 3pm on average for the past 2 weeks or so. anyway, i was kinda hoping to talk to someone (especially cuz this someone wanted to tell me something), and when i wanted to talk, suddenly the person doesn't want to.. said whatever it was was forgotten. just like that. and that irked me.

i dunno if it's just stress that's driving me up the walls lately but i just can't seem to have the patience or the stamina to endure other people and their actions. i am not generalizing though. i mean, i do get along with everyone mostly.. it's just stupidity or non-compliance and non-sequitur-ness i really can't stand.
or is it just me?

anyway, i am here at the office early (my mom and dad dropped me off and went to tiendesitas) and the floor is deserted. i am thinking of sleeping but worried my haid would go flat when i wake up so i'm spending the rest of the time typing away til i log on at 12.

i still don't have gifts for a few more people in the office and i'm planning on going to mega tomorrow after shift to complete everything and be able to bring all my gifts by saturday.. YES, we have work on Saturday night which means i'll be spending Christmas eve with ICT-HHCP people. oh well. duty calls.

oh.. here are some pics from the party last Sunday at Phi Bar, Metrowalk.

earl, pao and me at Market!Market!